Elephants, Cows, and Cervixes

Its time to deal with the elephant in the room. No, I am not referring to my pregnant wife or any other pregnant woman. I would never call a pregnant woman an elephant, (at least not to her face). I wouldn't even call a pregnant elephant an elephant. You can imagine why.

I also wouldn't call a pregnant woman a cow. So for all of you who are wondering about how I get away with a blog about pregnant women that refers to cows in the title, here is the story.  Apparently, according to some hippies, mooing is good for the baby. A little while ago my wife informed me that one of her hippie birthing books suggested that women in labor should not scream, yell, or bear their pain in silence, but rather they should make mooing sounds. Like cows. I found this ironic, since these same hippies swear that cow's milk is killing babies.

I also found this hysterical, which was the wrong response. NEVER laugh at a pregnant woman. Ever. A foolish, (admittedly foolish on my part), argument ensued, which ended when I finally yelled, "fine, when you are in labor moo all you want! Moo, hippie moo!" This my wife found hilarious. I was so relieved that I survived this encounter alive and intact, Moo Hippie, Moo became the title of my blog.

Later that evening I did some research. If I was going to support my mooing wife, I was going to need solid evidence backing this practice. I will quote what I found directly, to make you believe that I am not in any way taking anything out of context. I would never do that for the sake of a blog. We bloggers have more integrity than that. Ahem. The hippie author explained as follows,

"In labor, it's as though a cervix has something to say about its incredible stretching and opening: perhaps 'ouch, o o u u c h, O o o u u u  u u u u  H!"

Eureka, I thought to myself. This was great. It was all the evidence I needed. Labor wasn't about women at all, it was about cervixes! The author continued,

" ...sometimes the sound is a deep, long moaning: 'Aa  A A  A  A A H H H .... O O  O O O O O  O W  W."

I was sold. This was definitely the way to handle pain. I could even relate. I once slipped off my bike seat and smashed my testicles on the cross bar. As I lay curled up on the grass, I made the same noise. Only it wasn't my cervix talking. And I also threw up.

Further down the page the author parted with one last golden nugget. When referring to women in labor and recommending mooing techniques, she wrote,

"Another may talk to her cervix, saying: 'Cervix open, open, open, O O O O O  O  O  O  O  O  P  E  N, open cervix open open."

This is an actual quote.

What did I learn from all this?

One, aside from hippies and pregnant women, cows know best.

Two, it is impossible to know what will anger pregnant women and what will make them laugh. But if by some chance they find something funny, turn it into a blog.

Three, for some reason Moo Hippie, Moo is an acceptable title for a blog about pregnant women.

Four, I am going to have to explain to the neighbors why it sounds like there is livestock in my apartment.

And five, one must always speak to their cervix in a low, moo-like tone. Otherwise they risk angering the cervix. And as we all know, like cow's milk, cleaning products, and capitalists, angry cervixes will kill your baby.