Fellow blogger Wally, (his hilarious blog Free Refills and Why I love America can be found Here), sent me an article from the UK Guardian a couple of days ago. The article in this newspaper of newspapers, to summarize, states that all environmentalists/greenies are assholes. Apparently, these ethical consumers engage in "moral balancing." They feel that since they are being good to the environment, they can now be assholes to people. Somehow they have come to the logical conclusion that by buying organic baby food and free-range carrots, they have a right to steal your wallet and punch you in the face. Makes perfect sense to me.
When I read this article I became sad. I thought, "great, it was bad enough that I am now a default greenie through the hippification of my pregnant wife. Now it turns out that I am also an asshole." I ruminated on this for a while, and then something wonderful occurred to me that instantly cheered me up, (something my friends probably figured out immediately). I am already pretty much an asshole. I have been an asshole for most of my life. Now, however, I have an excuse. No, not an excuse, but a RIGHT, to be an asshole. This article changed my life forever. When people say to me, "Dov, stop being an asshole!", I no longer have to try to defend myself, or go out of my way to do them favors. When I don't offer my seat to old women on the subway, I no longer have to pretend I am sleeping. I can confidently look them in they eye, say "good day, ma'am", and continue to block the aisle with my perfectly healthy stretched out legs. When I make right turns from the left lane while driving and cut people off, I can proudly roll down my window, stick both middle fingers in the air, and holler as loud as I can, "Its OK, I am an environmentalist!"
So, in a departure from the usual tone of my posts, I declare to the world - Thank you fundamentalist hippie birthing coaches! Thank you for eliminating guilt from my life! Thank you for giving me a reason to steal, lie, cheat, be selfish, and pick fights with small children! And most of all, thank you for allowing me to be me!
You can find the Guardian article Here.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
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i have to disagree. you are not a hippie, not even by marriage. just a hippie lover. you are not excused from being an asshole. and jumping on the coattails of hippies being assholes makes you even more of an asshole.
ReplyDeleteHey, if looks green, tastes green, and is found in my home, it makes me an environmentalist by default. That makes me a justified asshole by default.
ReplyDeleteBesides, no one said anything about hippies being assholes. Environmentalists are assholes, according to one study anyway. This post was about hippie induced environmentalism taking over my life. If I pay the price, I get the rewards. Its that simple.