Hippie Resource Books 101

Early in the pregnancy my partner purchased and read many books written by hippie birthing practitioners. My attempts to avoid reading any of them were quickly overwhelmed by my much more 'persuasive' wife. Resigned to my fate, I spent many hours reading terrifying personal accounts of fundamentalist hippie birth experiences, and their 'practical' how-to advice. The writing styles in the books were strikingly similar, from the less than perfect prose to the wild fear-mongering, inappropriately detailed descriptions of the author's genitalia, and complete dismissal of almost all things convenient and modern. This included hospitals, modern medicine, disposable diapers, most cleaning products, and general sanity.

I now understood why my wife was losing her mind.

In my non-scientific, far from complete survey of hippie birthing books, (ok, I only read half of one book), I feel confident in telling you they all share the same following style:

1. Describe in alarming, yet beautiful, detail the amazingly complex, intricate and delicate biological processes involved in fetus formation. Hint at all the things that can go wrong with this process that lead to horrible fetal defects and diseases, both real and imagined.

2. Discuss historical cases of various man-made products and mistakes that led to above mentioned defects, none of which are relevant in today's modern society. Manipulate studies and statistics to link historical problems to today. Generally malign capitalists, industry, the western world, and non-hippie men as nefarious, profit motivated baby-killers.

3. Now that the reader is thoroughly alarmed and afraid to breath, eat, and sleep for fear of killing or maiming the fetus, hammer home the virtues of 'clean' hippy living by methodically listing every product in American homes and describing in clear, un-sourced detail how it will kill you, your baby, puppies, bunnies, and turtles. Then, avoiding all evidence and FDA studies, describe how modern medicine is a deadly sham produced by mega pharmaceutical companies and controlled by drug lobbies, produced for the sole purpose of interfering with natural, healthy living. Ignore all life-saving benefits of modern medicine.

4. End the book on a high note, by suggesting that pregnant women can save themselves and their babies by donning hazmat suits and throwing out everything that is not made from hemp, coconut oil by-products, bamboo, tofu, or 100 percent organic cotton. (Much more on this in future posts.) Neglect to point out that these 'natural', hippie approved items cost several orders of magnitude more than conventional items, have not been tested for safety or FDA approval, and must be ordered from questionable internet websites or old Chinese ladies.

5. For good measure, proclaim Walmart sucks and is destroying the world.

That, my friends, is basically the layout of every hippie birthing book. For those of you just starting out, I hope this post has saved you some money and time. For the rest of you, I share your pain.